meaningful life? (based of Atrophy- A poem by Julia Copus)

Life as we know it is short. Us as humans are made up of atoms and organs that create our existence. It’s weird to think at one point in our lives we were nonexistent, and now there is a purpose or meaning behind our existence. That’s why I’m alive right? Life is a difficult thing, sometimes life moves at a fast pace or other times life moves so slow. It really depends on the person and their situations. I for one find that everything around me is moving at lightning speed and I sit there stuck, wondering what my meaning and purpose is in my existence. It's so stereotypical for a 17 year old teenager to wonder why life is so difficult, like nothing is right. For so long I’ve never understood why I exist or who I am, it’s been a constant war between myself to find my meaning. But meaning is created not received, there's a build up to why we live how we do. The power to find one's meaning is difficult, but we all have a purpose, we learn from the difficulties that life throws at us to finding our purpose. I find that I look into my future a lot, I wonder what I’d be like and who I’d be because to tell you the truth I just don’t know right now. It feels like I’m in a black hole, in darkness and full of nothing. My mind is my black hole. Overthinking is what I do best, I tend to find myself overthinking in every little situation. I do that because I worry about my future. I do that and wonder “is this really why I’m alive?” The future is such a big blur. I tend to look back on my past too and all the mistakes I've made, but I don’t seem to be living in the present. Maybe because I'm afraid to? I am afraid. I’m afraid that I have no meaning right now. Looking back at my past now I feel like I had so much purpose and even those mistakes made me who I am right now, but really who am I? I look back at the past so often that I wonder if I really have learned from the past, but I don't know because i'm so focused on my future that i’m blind to what my existence and purpose is.

I close myself down and tend to sit alone with my thoughts. Those thoughts break me. I fear my own thoughts. They show a reflection of me that I don’t show to the world. My thoughts tell me I have no right to be alive, that I have no meaning and the person that I am has no purpose in life. It’s a warzone, my body shuts down slowly. I’m dying, I’m killing myself with my own thoughts. I’m drifting away from reality and creating my own nonexistence. I find that meaning comes from everything a person has gone through, i've been through a lot but I sit alone, by myself, in the dark, at a corner of meaningless hope. There goes my thoughts taking over again. “Why am I alive?” Honestly I just don’t know quite yet. Do I have meaning? Of course everyone has meaning right? I just can’t find mime. These thoughts are eating me alive.

I feel so lost. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling lost, it’s been like this for many years now and I guess I’m used to it, but even so I still think there is a reason why I’m alive and why I am who I am. Maybe I just don't know it yet. Will I ever? I think eventually we all fade away, back into the nonexistence of the world. For me, well I just might be creating my own non existence because I don't know what my meaning or purpose in life is. I'm still growing and learning and eventually I’ll learn to tame my thoughts and take control, I’ll find my meaning.